Flawless words flood my mind
that I just can’t say
Depths and heights of “I love yous”
that just won’t go away.
Hopes for so many tomorrows,
that I didn’t plan on wanting today
Somehow he’s gotten a little bit closer
and now I want him to stay
—
Secrets resting on my tongue
but somehow I can’t speak
Strong enough to keep him
and now my heart is getting weak
Knowing that it can’t deny
the perfection touching my cheek
Somehow he’s gotten a little bit closer
and now I can’t be discrete
—
Imperfect words flood my lips,
but only my heart makes a sound.
This sudden feeling of happiness
as my feet are leaving the ground.
I can’t measure how safe I feel
just as long as he’s around
Somehow he’s gotten a little bit closer
and I’ll draw closer to this love I’ve found.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Do I see me gazing?
Yes.
and I try not to.
When I notice,
I look away
into nowhere, because you
are definitely somewhere
that I want to be…
Doing things
that I want to do
Resting my hands
on yours
as you move them
My feet in
your prints, so that
I’ll be where you are
my thoughts in
yours to make sure
yours run into
mine.
and I am amazed
the strength of my
gaze
when I forget to
turn away
hasn’t made you say
Stop.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
I’ve opened many closets
that many refused to see –
Because you choose to store the pains
That you so desperately need to be free
–
And I’ll keep on breaking down walls
That hide every shame and fear
Crying for every moment you didn’t cry
Until you let go of every tear
–
I’ll write the truth you’ll never say
So you’ll see that you’re never alone
Breaking, to rebuild your desolate dreams
Nurturing your silenced heart, where it should have grown
–
I’ll unmask every sheltered feeling
Mistaken for love, rendered a need
I’ll share with you, the dangers of your hunger
Giving real food to the parts that you’d refuse to feed
–
See your reflection in my words
Mark your hurt on the things I’ll share
To help another before their cries are hushed
Or before they lose hope there’s ‘another one’ out there
–
To help you gain a voice is all I want to do
But as long as you’re silenced, I’ll be a voice for you
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
When I think of my great Savior, I bow
My head in shame of my darkness and sin
But then I lift my hands in praise that now
I am forgiven, clean, and whole again
He laid aside his crown that He could see
And feel the sorrow of the human race
Offering truth and love in hopes that we
Would accept His gift of eternal grace
Instead, he received our hate and loathing
As he was tried and jailed without reason
Stripped of dignity, along with His clothing
He was punished, until death received Him
Ladened with the stripes of iniquity,
By these same wounds He gave us liberty
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
I know I said all the wrong words
I am sorry – I didn’t mean them,
but you…
You promised me love
The God-type of love
Not the love you have given me
When I dream, I remember
when you said that I come first.
Was that what you meant by
blaming me,
condemning me,
constantly reminding me,
Burning my skin with the wrath of your hand?
And what you say now
isn’t what you heard yesterday.
What I do know
won’t be what I do tomorrow
because the semi-fresh sting
of your finger tips is pulsing
now on my face, and I won’t let myself
hurt you like that again.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
I arrest my thoughts
to keep a steady pace
To make the moment last
To take in the same air you
breathe
– When you stand in
this spot to get to
the garage
– or to talk to the neighbors
the way you always do
With that heightened
sense of glee that
tickles your regular tone
Or at least strays from the
mono-tone
That you give to me
To let me know you’ve
grown comfortable enough
to not have to produce that
sun-shiny glee in my presence.
It’s a saddened state,
the reality that lies behind
closed doors.
To know that because
I am so close
I am pushed so much
farther away
from your charms,
your wit,
the lightness of heart
you feel – they see …
When taking in
my next breath in
this spot.
Your spot.
The gleam from the
lamp light, the one on
the top shelf
in your bedroom,
serves as my beacon home.
To the warm, worn, floral
comforter that
subdues your bed
- and the light smell
of your sweat
that stains the atmosphere
and my every sphere
until my gaze is caught
by the oncoming lights…
why am I here?
“Oh. I was just passing
through – didn’t know
I would see you!”
And with a monotone
“Yeah”, I stray
behind – secretly
following the
hint of your aroma
to the opened door.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
I see him the same
but I know he is not.
His touch doesn’t burn
like a fire
dancing to taunt
a naïve moth.
His kiss doesn’t
linger
for me to taste the
sweetness
of a deeper caress
I’ve longed to know.
His eyes no longer
call me to his
sanctuary –
nor to any place
safe and warm.
So, you see,
I see him the same.
He does look the
same. but I
know
he is not.
He is not my love.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Let’s be real, its me all me…
day and night fighting, deciding, taunting
my own mind into a frenzy…who am I?
Sexual only because of another’s sexuality
entering my innocence,
my imagination
my experimentation
my need…is it a need? Who am I?
And this God, I say I love
But I ignore consistently.
This life I want to live, that I fall short of
Daily
I think I should just give up…
The part of me that wants to play
is so much bigger than the one
that will kneel and pray
and say…
I am sorry, I am so strange
unlike real Christians it seems I can’t change.
That the evil in me just calls and haunts.
With images, and touches, and words
from my own lips…and smirks
from my quirks that slip
From memory into reality
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
I am surprised I have
words for you –
but I do.
For a moment, I want to let you know
it’s more. It’s more.
You’re more
than I could say…
because a hint of fear
surrounds my atmosphere.
So I am concealing words that
I am afraid may make the
difference between
a heart won,
and one broken.
And I couldn’t stand
to fall at the pieces.
So I have words, just a few.
Enough so you
can hear
that my heart beats
and is not empty.
I have room.
And words,
that are more
than mutual
‘I love yous’
whispered
in the night.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
When I dreamed this, I felt so fulfilled
Like I could rest for the first time,
The depth of me realized.
My hero could see right
Through the very heart of me
Sheltering every part of me
With words unspoken, materializing
The very love I need.
And then you came, and rousted
This dream in me again
First as an honest friend
And then, with my heart on the mend
You stepped right in
And as I walked with you
I saw in you
A builder, willing to pull through
In spite of me
Constantly
Wearing and tearing away
At my inability
To accept the good you brought to me.
But now, oh now
You are so far from a fantasy.
No longer a knight
Part nightmare, part
Of the reality
That one sees when
Two lives try to form
Into one being
I thought our essences
Would be so intertwined
What was yours?
– now mine
And in me
An endless drink
Of all you would ever need
But your life remains your own
And my soul is already
Dried up and worn
I have nothing left
To give, and you
Kept something for yourself
If only I was wise enough to know
This truth before
Freely giving all
Away
Part knight, part nightmare
As all I have now
Are dreams -
Spirited ideas
Without a vat to hold
Or remember
What it is I was looking for
In the first place
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Sight…
I am here, far in the distance
But your vision pulls me in
Disclosed at your whim
I am numb.
Thought…
I am here, in the center of your mind
My name is Desired, Queen on this throne
No choice of my own
I am numb.
Acquainted…
I know your name, you’ve chosen to honor mine
The stench of your charm rests on your brow
You can reach me now
I am numb.
Together…
You and I are we, the result of your design
In time, enchanted words flow from your mouth
Sincerity I can not doubt
I am numb.
United…
We decide, with heart and soul, to body join
I can only start, you can only do the rest
Your satisfaction at best
I am numb.
Everlasting…
Sacred vows flow from your lips into eternity
Returned promises are forever mine to keep
I won’t lose sleep
I am numb.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Is it a thought in your mind?
My smile, my hips – the feeling of
my lips on your fingertips
As you go on, move on
Like the ways, we gazed
in a haze never phased you
If I had the choice again
Would I have baited you, as you
baited me.
I don’t know…
maybe you do! If you thought
of it…once in a while…
sometime
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Sit down beside me, settle down
Close yourself off from these things all around
Time is yours and right now it’s wasting
I’ll get to it, if you’ll just be patient…
I want to know if you can see me, feel me – really
beyond everyone’s theories. We
both know that I have a history
As stories go, there is no mystery
Sometime ago I gave the best
part of me. Partially, it startled me
When I was left cold and alone
while my lover laughed heartily
And, in my pain, I ran to others
again and again. I thought a touch
was enough to erase the ‘who’ and ‘when’
But past is past, and believe me
I’ve moved passed it. I’ve got to ask,
do you just want to quit? I would hate it if
we had an opportunity and we missed it
Others have fainted under the weight
and drifted. Before you judge, just consider
if things were shifted: Where would you be if
only your ‘yesterdays’ existed?
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Never thought I’d see the day
like this again – when
I’d revert back to the hurt
girl I was before – but
here we go again having
the same conversation and
the same bitter tears to mark
the emergence of this ‘me’
I didn’t know I could be – and
never thought I would ever
be again – It’s a sad day when
‘I’m sorry’s and ‘I appreciate you’s
lose all their weight – ‘cause we’ve
been here before and weren’t
meant to come this way
again – but I guess like the Chosen
wanderers I’ll circle the mountain
until… and see if I can grow
somehow – but for now
it seems I am truly just
infantile, and while I am this
way I know I am not worthy
of your love
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
You captured me with the song
of someone gone
- beyond my reach
at a place I didn’t belong
But where I would be, if you wanted me
You instead came into my space,
a place of security…
Your apathy wooed me to come
to your side
Misunderstandings slayed me, and
wounded my pride
Your kisses were sweet, but touched
you nowhere inside
Like the depths of my nakedness
Where I had nowhere to hide
——
So how could you be concerned now
that I may fall apart?
That you couldn’t bear to deal
with the pieces of my broken heart?
As if the melodies of nights,
laying by your side was not enough
to bring me pain
Knowing that love was not the cause
that would lay me down again
In this state – where it’s just too late
to walk away unharmed
And it hurts too much to stay, I can’t
be around you uncharmed.
How could you use such a weak excuse?
Love’s had enough counterfeits to pay
Though your voice may linger through me…
I can’t hear a word you say.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Tell me why? Why now
Why me?
Why destroy all the Beautiful
that my eyes see?
Why victimize my possessions
Ignite my confessions
into heightened lessons
I fall short of again
and again.
Like Job I cry why –
why me?
Not the worst off, or the
cursed off
But still the lost
Of love – You gave me
Of love
I wasted – tastily
That is rich and deep
and wanting and fading
hastily
between the fingers
held tight so painfully
Clenching love’s resort
it’s last, as it waits for me
to let go, the best
of me
I’ve failed, You tested me
Job’s words run daringly
in my head.
“I’ll rather be dead”
Can I let go? – I want nothing more
No new love to replace the
one I had before
No new voice, nor touch
No one to name me,
or claim me, calling me Baby.
Not me, please…
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
The new morn, I see
clocks and haste and forgetting
the thing — you know, the thing
on the dresser
right behind the..yeah…that!
I was using last night.
Clawing at keys that claw at me
to choose the right one
In the cape of choices
to be made today.
And purpose that lingers
without a resolve
I resolve not to wait in
anticipation
for ‘purpose’ – teasing
my hair, lining liner
Completed expectations
into the day
Promises delivered
for the most part -
religiously executed chores follow
the correcting
- to everyone’s delight -
But not always to perfection.
I crack.
A bewitching time.
After the noise has ended.
In the silence I am mean.
No company is found in callousness.
I try.
Confined to the silence.
I lie.
Nothing is the matter.
Emptiness always seems to come
in the weirdest forms.
I crawl to be molded in its image
My image.
The light slips back through
its entrance
and bids me
good night.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Just once and I will breathe again…
I won’t even say a word
One touch, one glance, one kiss
and my silence will give more light than
you’ve ever known
Because I’ve put you in that place
where weakness isn’t wrong.
My tears don’t have to hurt inside,
and my anger won’t mean you’re gone.
You’re in that place where men don’t die
and their deeds don’t fade.
And words just aren’t memories, that by
time are carried away.
But you are my rock, my strength
my infinite – because eternity is within me
- and I almost never knew
How I would have missed you in my life
My soul. My heart.
I love you.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
These hands were never made to hurt you
This back, never made to turn on you…
my eyes never meant to see someone new,
These lips were to be faithful, not to be untrue…
——
But I decided, in my mind. Took steps to break away
And I am guided now to find, some way to make you stay
——
I was unfair to think about myself, that this hurt was mine alone
I forgot your life entwined in mine meant no more struggling on my own…
I chose to lose myself in another’s touch, to close the void that hurt so much
Unfair to hurt you the way I am, unfair to ignore you and still call you my man.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
It’s like I can’t pass
the me I see
to move into the realm
of fulfilling destiny.
Like I am my own
worst enemy
My own lock and key
My own bars, cage
jury – and judge
that won’t set me free
I try and stop.
I wane and I falter
back to the altar
“Why can’t I be
who You’ve made me to be?”
Talents I share sparingly,
Passions that rise
incoherently – the sound
of random voices
Cheering me on, beyond…
then I am gone.
Into the shadows
the comfort of fear
stricken and undone.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Must I really cross the desert
just to get to You?
To touch Your heart,
must I break my own,
for thirsty prayers to get through?
For me to gauge my growth,
what I desire most,
must scars so sorely burn?
The heat from the tears,
must they interfere,
for all these lessons to be learned?
——-
It is empty here inside me,
no patterns on the wall.
Few trophies are tacked on me – -
little pride to bring the falls.
Does it mean, Dear One,
before I’ve begun
all my efforts were counted as lost?
And for my lack of pain,
I just can’t gain,
My passion can’t fulfill the cost.
——-
My praise doesn’t dwell in memories,
my sorrows don’t own my tears.
My song isn’t a love forlorn –
embittered for all these years.
My heart doesn’t break
because it’s too late
to hold on to what is true.
All I have, all I ask
All I want, Dear Lord
Is You.
– Written to the Lord. For a while it just felt like the people who appeared to be ‘deep’ or have a close relationship with the Lord were the ones with heartbreaking stories, and a lot of baggage. I wrote this, just wondering if my relationship with the Lord was limited because I didn’t have a bunch of struggles.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
Are you real enough,
to make me feel your warmth
around me?
– close enough
for me to keep you
from turning away?
Can you rise above
the distances that are far beyond
what I can see?
Are you, somehow, a reality
or just a shadow of yesterday?
I sit patiently, keeping hope
that you may be a little like me
Believing the faiths of years ago,
could be raptured by hope today
In some quiet, secret place
you have captured all this privacy
My lips can’t speak of you
my infinite, my impossibility
My shadow of yesterday
Only thoughts could keep me here
Shrugged in sadness, torn by fear
Feeling your faint presence disappear
– like forlorn wishes whispered
in the night air
But if I mattered – if you cared
Wouldn’t I feel you drawing near
To me here?
Has the time passed enough,
to sway your love away from me?
And my tears, have they drowned
the sorrow that stained my heart?
The moon that we share,
Has it sunk so desperately?
Afraid to wait, is it just too late?
Did it show you I fell apart?
Could have been easier,
you got the very best of me
Songs of sweetness – tenderly,
I so easily gave away.
And I have become the wind
that swept through the path
of your destiny
I have become the jaded one
I am the shadow of yesterday.
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
I’m at the edge of the precipice and I want to fall off
At this one moment, I don’t want to thrive, or feel
at all. I just want to fade into nothing
All those times, I was so afraid of the end
So I stayed locked away and safe…
but now I’m open
and I feel so unsure of everything
wondering so aimlessly, within my own skin
I can’t stand feeling so down, so lonely
and so afraid. Not knowing if I am
waiting to be caught
this time. I am standing here, and with one more tear
I could go over. I can see myself breathing
the air, and soaring – as eagles sore
Eyes closed, embracing the liberty that awaits me
No more hurt, or pain, or words that cut
or sway. Only me, only nothing
But as I tilt, I don’t know if I
Can be without a tomorrow
when it might just get a little better
© 2010, Caela Strong. All rights reserved.
